I am not going to even try and describe Yosemite when icons from every walk of life have photographed, written about and preserved this stunning valley (think John Muir, Ansel Adams, and Roosevelt—I confess that I forget which one). One of my goals in chronicling my travels in the West was to challenge my descriptive prose, to run out of adjectives and get creative. What can I say? Yosemite had me stumped. It really is all that.

What I did come away with were a few observations about hiking. A friend of mine said that the Panorama Trail, a nine-mile loop that showed off the best of Yosemite, was the optimal way to introduce myself to this surreal landscape. I read up on the trail at a pricey hotel the night before and saw a small footnote that said instead of taking the shuttle up to Glacier Point, where the trail starts, I could hike up Four Mile Trail and forego the buses. He also cautioned that the option was for those in “excellent shape.” I wasn’t sure about “excellent,” it’s so subjective, but I opted to give it a go. About half a mile into the The Four Mile Trail, I had already decided that I would just get to the top, have lunch and take the shuttle back down and not even attempt the Panorama Trail. The incline was constant and it dawned on me that I was sucking wind at 9,000 feet. Still, I soldiered upward and passed the time by playing a little game of mine. I travel a lot and to amuse myself in airports, I play, “Of the next 20 people who go by, who would you sleep with.” (Hey, it’s just a game to pass time!) In any case, male hikers are a handsome lot. Granted there are far fewer people on an insane climbing trail than in Chicago Ohare, but, per capita, outdoorsmen eclipse business travelers in the hotness category…by a lot.

Another funny observation I had was about trail etiquette. In the trafficked areas (read, shorter, paved trails), it’s absolute mayhem. Tourists from around the world invade personal space, walk on the wrong side of the path, and worse, clog the path by walking abreast. On the more strenuous paths, for us hikers in excellent shape, there is a measured distance when you should hail someone approaching from the opposite direction. A Hello said too early means you have to come up with something else to say while you pass. So, the trick is to time it so that pleasantries are exchanged, but brief, especially when you need all the air you can get just breathing.

After finally summiting Glacier Point and eating a late lunch, I decided that there was no way I was going to take the shuttle of shame down—the Panorama Loop was the only respectable way to go. Knowing it was late and that the hike would take four hours (it was 2 p.m.), I made haste. The views of Yosemite from Panorama did not disappoint. Sweeping vistas of the entire valley with the looming Half Dome presiding over it all were prevalent along the trail. And then there were the waterfalls. Even in the fourth year of a drought, several waterfalls still dramatically spilled water over the sides of cliffs and this trail offered spectacular views of three of them.

 

At seven I hit the valley floor, ever so pleased to have accomplished over 14 miles of rugged terrain. I texted my friend who had suggested the Panorama Trail and told him about the hike. His response was: “Dumbass, you were supposed to take the bus to Glacier Point.” This dumbass had a great night’s sleep.